Winter Storm

I'm drowning

they tell me it gets better

I made a painting today

two actually

I wrote a couple poems

I cleaned my shit up

took out the trash

the recycling

I organized a cupboard and got rid of things I had been holding onto

I went for a walk

I sat and meditated and breathed

I cooked a meal

two actually

I fried some apples in butter and spices for breakfast

and made a vegetable soup with Luke for lunch

I listened to music I love

The Beatles, The Band, Bob Dylan, Steely Dan

Drive By Truckers, Elliot Smith, Mac Miller

I borrowed Mary's car and filled it with gas

I did my laundry

washed the dishes

watered my plants

two of them look pretty dead but we'll see

I reached out to Darian

told her I miss the kids

that I want to start tutoring Aya in art

she accepted!

I can't wait to start

I argued with Mary

we never argue

I minded my tongue

I tried to see things thru her eyes

I looked her in the eye and told her I love her in my mind

I don't know if she heard

I payed my rent, at all the places

I counted my dollars

asked Mary if I can borrow money if I come up short

waiting on a paycheck

Where does all the money go?

I posted a photo yesterday

me, naked, meditating

Over a beer, Aubrie told me to stop doing that

"What would your mother say?"

Sam said he was proud of me for it

Mary teased me, lovingly about it

"What're you doing?" she asked me

"I just don't give a shit anymore," I told all three of them "Something in me broke."

You see, I can't get ahold of my brother

Text, phone calls

They go unanswered

don't go thru

You see, Russel died.

Liver.

I watched a video him and I made in high school. A silly thing. Laughing and joking around.

Nothing mattered. We were young. Life was a wide open prairie.

He died, and I don't understand.

We had a summer day here in Fargo only three days ago

Mal was out reading a book in the park

now it's winter again

and I'm cold

and fresh out of weed

I've got 5 unfinished albums on my desktop

I'm getting lost in them

Lost my focus

Don't know what I'm doing

And the funny thing is this

All I'm trying to do is get naked in front of everyone

It's all I got left

I want to stand in front of the whole world and sing my heart out

til my throat is bloody and raw

and I'm floating there in that trance i go to

high as fuck

heaven streaming into my head and off my tongue

I don't know the words to the songs I'm singing

and I'm shouting for everyone to join me

to take off all their clothes and their skin and their muscles too

lets just be a floating swirl of bones together

singing and screaming and aching together

feeling and breathing and being together

like those people in Rafa

being killed today

by MY FUCKING COUNTRY

and Darian's voice comes back to me

years ago

"You worry too much

trying to get everyone to dance with you

Just dance"

I'm trying to dance

but it feels like drowning

I can't sing enough songs or write enough poems

or give you enough kisses, Love

or press myself deep enough into your heart

to take this ache away

After that naked picture

I saw my followers went down on Instagram

bitches

we were born naked

I've worn these clothes and this name

and this face for far too long already

It's time to take it off

It's that or drown